Spouses/Partners of Sex Addict Counseling

Does your husband or boyfriend:

• Look at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs

• Frequently isolate themselves from spouses or partners, and don't inform them of their whereabouts

• Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex

• Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place

• Get angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography

• Offer no appropriate communication during sex

• Lack intimacy before, during and after sex, and offer little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship

• Do not want to socialize with others

• Fail to account for increasing number of toll -- 800 or 900 -- calls

• Frequently rent pornographic videotapes

• Seem to be preoccupied in public with everything around them (objectifying women)

• Feel depressed

• Are increasingly dishonest

• Hide pornography at work or home

• Lack close friends of the same sex

• Frequently use sexual humor

• Always have a good reason for looking at pornography

When a spouse/partner of a sex addict discovers her spouse's or partner's sex addictive behaviors, her first reaction is probably a mix of emotions: shock, anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness, and disgust. She may also feel relieved to have the problem identified and her suspicions validated because some part of her already knew something was wrong; now she at least know what.

Spouses/Partners and family members of sex addicts are deeply affected by the behaviors of the sex addict.  Like the families of an alcoholic or other addict, the family members of a sex addict feel powerless and are powerless to control the disease and the addict. 

Spouses/Partners go through a range of responses to the lies and behaviors of the sex addict.  They feel anger even rage, compassion, love, and desperation.  They become detectives at first just wanting to find out what is going on but can become obsessed themselves with uncovering information and monitoring the activities of the sex addict in hopes of understanding and changing the destructive behavior.  They may become so focused on the sex addict that they neglect their own self-care and that of their children.

Spouses/Partners of sex addicts are in crisis.  They feel embarrassment and humiliation at what the sex addict has done and continues to do.  They feel scared and isolated.   They feel alone in dealing with these issues that they don’t feel able to talk about for fear of reaction and judgement from others.  They fear what will happen to them and their children if the sex addict loses his or her job or is arrested for their actions.  They worry that their dreams of a happy future with their partner and family are shattered. 

Sposes/Partners are not responsible for or to blame for the sex addicts’ compulsive behavior.  Only the sex addict is responsible for his or her behavior just as only the partner is responsible for her or his behavior. Out of this fear partners may cover up for the addict lying to the boss or extended families about the sexual behaviors and their effect on job performance. 

Spouses/Partners may not realize that they have sexually transmitted diseases from the addict.  They fear for their children’s safety with the addict.  They feel humiliated.  They feel isolated-fearful of what will happen if friends, family, bosses, and their community finds out.  They feel helpless and at times hopeless.

Remember that pinpointing the problem is the first step in finding a solution. It's crucial for spouses/partners to realize two important truths:

1. You are not alone! Thousands of other people are faced with the sexual addiction of a family member or loved one.
2. You can get help even if the sex addict is unwilling to pursue help personally! You don't have to be a victim of your loved one's sex addiction. You can enter recovery for yourself, regardless of the addict's choices. The first step is realizing you are totally powerless over your spouse's/partner's sexual addiction. The only person you can change is yourself. You are in need of healing just as much as the addict needs help. You can learn how to set appropriate boundaries against inappropriate behavior. You can understand how you came to be in a relationship with a sex addict. You can choose to take the actions that will be helpful for yourself and the relationship and to avoid those actions that will be harmful.

You can begin your own journey today by admitting that you need help. It's crucial you become involved in your own recovery, whether or not the addict in your life makes a similar choice.

We have counselors that specialize in helping the spouses/partners of sex addicts get the support they need. We have several women's spouses/partners of sex addict counseling groups. Participating in a therapy group for spouses/partners of sex addicts help to get you support and reduce your own isolation.

The groups provide the spouse/partner of a sex addict the following:

• Understand sex addiction and its effects on the addict and themselves.
• Understand codependence
• Understand their own reactions and behaviors.
• Learn how to identify and communicate their needs and to be assertive about these needs -be able to identify and set healthy boundaries with the addict   
• Learn how to set safe healthy guidelines with the addict regarding themselves and their children
• Look at their own history including addictions and understand their own reactions and behaviors 
• Be able to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies

We encourage the spouse or partner to come to her own therapy whether or not the sex addict is ready to start his own recovery.   It is important for you to get support and clarity for yourself.  You can learn about sexual addiction and how it effects you and your family, you can decrease the isolation you feel and learn that you do not have to be ashamed because of the actions of your partner or even your own actions.  We ensure that your cousneling will be in a safe non-judgemental environment that will allow you to still the caos and sort out your situation and provide you with options.