Think before you speak.

You can save your marriage from breaking up simply by holding off the angry words you're dying to say. Just give yourself a few moments to think calmly about what you want to say. Do you really mean them? Are they true or do you simply want to hurt your spouse? For that matter, would it truly make you happy to have your spouse hurt?

Stop scoring points on each other.

Avoid making a mental list in your head of what you did right and what your spouse didn't do right. Avoid counting the number of times you gave in compared to the number of times that he didn't compromise. Love and marriage is about giving selflessly without expecting anything in return. You mustn't expect because if your spouse loves you as much, he or she's sure to give you something back because he wouldn't be able to help himself.

It's okay to be the first.

It's been said a lot of times, but it's worth repeating: pride is a cold bed fellow. So don't allow pride to take you and your spouse to the divorce courts. It's okay to be the first one to say sorry. It's okay to always be the first one who remembers when your anniversary is. At the end of the day, these things don't matter.

Don't stop wooing each other.

Just because you're already married doesn't mean you should stop wooing each other. If anything, marriage should inspire you to woo each other more creatively. Don't let the spark die between you. Constantly find new ways to express your love.

Don't be shy to ask for help.

If you think you need someone else's advice, don't be too shy or proud to ask for it. Just make sure you're asking someone you really trust and whose advice is truly worth taking.

Imagine how you'll feel if your spouse is gone.

There may come a time when you and your spouse have a major quarrel, and the wounds it leaves are too big and painful. You may think that you can never forgive your spouse or that the problems you two have are insurmountable.

During such instances, try to imagine how you'll feel if your spouse is gone. And when we say 'gone', it means try imagining if he's dead and he can never come back again. If your partner's going to die tomorrow, do you think you'll forgive him now just so you can spend more time loving him?

One thing I gained from my own marriage counseling in Denver Colorado was that arguments, when handled effectively, can bring the your relationship closer together. It’s healthy for everyone to have the opportunity to express his or her opinion.  I believe that arguing is necessary, within reason, and should be allowed, as long as both parties strive to stay positive and peaceful.

In fact, encouraging your loved ones to seek win-win resolutions to their challenges with each other teaches them a valuable skill that will serve them well throughout their lifetime.

When you argue, remember to:

• Stay focused.
• Address the issue or disagreement instead of attacking the other person.
• Listen to what the other person has to say.
• Think about the seriousness of the issue. Will it really matter later on?
• Try to discover a win-win solution where everyone walks away satisfied.
• Agree to disagree if you can’t come to a resolution.
• Avoid holding a grudge.

Above all, remember that no argument is worth destroying relationships or hurting each others feelings. Seek a solution that’s agreeable to everyone and maintain control of your emotions. Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. If you do, the arguments in your home will lead to peace and family harmony instead of destructive fighting.

It could be that you are sure you know what went wrong in your marriage but you're not clear about how to turn things around so that you and your mate can be close and trust one another again.

When you look at the roots of the missteps or mistakes that have happened along the way in your marriage, you can get a deeper look at the habits that might have contributed to the distance and even the painful betrayals that may have occurred.

Janet cannot understand how she and her husband Bob have come to this dark and lonely place in their marriage.

With all of her heart, she wants to return to the trust, closeness and passionate love that they once shared.  "Where could it have gone?" she frequently asks herself.

These days Janet and Bob's marriage seems dominated by mistrust, jealousy, accusations, arguments and withdrawals into silence.

She can't remember the last time either of them laughed for the sheer joy of it. Making love together also seems to be rare and awkward.

Identify the major challenges in your marriage.

Either alone or with your mate, you could even write out a list of the issues that you see contributing to the wedge between the two of you.

Keep your focus on writing out an observation of the challenges. Don't try to assign blame or cast a judgment about whatever they are.

Janet makes a list of the major challenges in her marriage to Bob.

She includes the following on her list: jealousy, arguing, mistrust, giving each other the cold shoulder and a lower sex drive.

While it is tempting for Janet to put Bob's name beside particular items on the list because, at this time, she sees him as the blame for those items, she resists this urge.

Instead, she looks at the list as a statement of her perspective of where their marriage is. This list of challenges allows Janet to give her attention to making the changes she can in these areas.

Understand your role in your situation.
Blame is a tricky thing. Of course, if your partner had an affair, there is a hefty sense of responsibility he or she carries for that choice.

If you want to shift out of the relationship dynamic you have going on at the moment, however, you need to widen your gaze and start looking at what you can change.

You can't change the fact that your partner had an affair and your continual blaming and judging of him or her is not going to help you to heal and the two of you to rebuild trust.

Please give yourself the opportunity to feel what you're feeling. You might still be angry about an affair.

Feel those feelings. Then, if you decide to stay in your marriage, do what you need to do to forgive and release the past.

Start to understand the role you played (and continue to play) in the distance and disconnection that has developed between you and your spouse.

Take responsibility for no more and no less than your share of the habits you two have fallen into.

Create agreements to make specific changes.
Janet spent a lot of time shifting herself away from blaming Bob for the sorry state of their marriage at the moment.

Yes, his actions did play a major role, but now
Janet can take her own share of responsibility as well.

She asks Bob to talk and she shares with him her list and realizations. She acknowledges that she has a jealous habit and way of communicating that she can see contributed to where their marriage is today.

She tells him that she'd like to work together to create agreements and make specific changes that may help them move closer together.

Alongside your list of marital challenges, include
specific ideas that you and your partner can try out.

These changes don't have to be huge.

It can be something as seemingly small as one or both of you becoming more aware of your tone of voice when talking with one another about a tricky topic, for example.

As you get to the root of what's contributing to the distance between you and your partner, you might feel uncomfortable or vulnerable.

If so, breathe and come into your center. Remind yourself that your ultimate goal is to save your marriage, rebuild trust and re-connect.

Know that with perseverance and a willingness to go to these uncomfortable places, while keeping a sense of openness, you can reach this goal together.

By Susie and Otto Collins

 One of the great gifts we can give each other is that of being the other’s listener. Listening is not just hearing words. It involves a face to face encounter in which one’s heart is in tune with the other’s. There is eye contact; there is true listening to what is said and what is meant, and it is received by the speaker as a heart-felt gift of one’s full and undivided attention. Often a marriage and family therapist is a paid listener: the person sharing had to find a therapist to do what their mate was unwilling to do – listen!

Knowing what the other is feeling, not just thinking, and what the relationship means to them, is what needs to be shared between them. Heart to heart listening is the backbone to all that needs to be happening between them. Without this they can be like married singles, passing like ships in the night. Listening like this takes time and intentionality. Many couples will never achieve this kind of sharing. Their fears of intimacy prevent it. So they go to bed each night hungering for far more than they have ever realized. This does not happen within a healthy marriage.

A couple can be together all day long and exchange ideas and concerns and news of events, yet not say a single word about how they feel about the relationship or what is or is not happening between them. They can go on doing this day in and day out and because they are talking feel they have some sense of what is really happening between them. But this is not communication; this is not heart to heart conversations. What both really need is to be listened to when they are willing to share what is on their hearts and their concerns at deeper levels of sharing and understanding.

Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals, in families, workgroups, in local and central decision making, and in society as a whole. There are different reasons why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of situations, unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one's eyes to conflict. Instead, one should try to understand the cause of the conflict and its effects, and then try to influence or resolve the conlfict.

To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of thinking that suppress conflicts:

* There is no possibillity to make things better!
* I can get in trouble if I try to interfere!
* It is best not to think about it!
* Am I really able to do something about it?
* Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong!
* Someone else will do something about it!

Experiences at an early age often play an important role in how you understand situations. Stress caused by conflict may cause you to use different defence mechanisms. By not accepting that there is a conflict, you try to live with a "harmony model" of reality. Critique and suggestions for change are not understood, because the existence of the conflict is not accepted. But if, instead, a conflict is accepted and solved, this will cause better understanding of the thoughts, feelings and needs of each other, and can also result in more openness, creativity and community. Thus, the conflict can cause a relation or a group to improve itself.

Below is described a model for good problem-solving. The model consists of the following six steps:

1. Identify and define the problem: Describe the problem in ways which are not based on critique or disdain. "I" statements are the most effective way of formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and ideas. Be an active listener, let other people state their views, try to understand your opponent, and ask check questions to ensure that you have not misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your opponent can cause you to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you do not say what you feel, your opponent may not be motivated to resolve the problem. Ensure that your opponent understands that you have to find a resolution which satisfies both needs - a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called win-win solution.
2. Propose different solutions: It is not always easy to immediately see the best solution. Ask your opponent to start proposing solutions - you will have time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and respect the ideas of your opponent. Try to list several different solutions, before evaluating and discussing them.
3. Evaluate the different solutions: Be frank and critical, use active listening.
4. Making a decision: A common agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a way that both parties understand it. Do not try to persuade or press your opponent to accept a certain solution. If your opponent is not able to freely select a solution, which he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing is improved.
5. Carry out the solution: Immediately after having agreed on a solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do what, and when? If your opponent does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you should confront them with "I" statements. But do not again and again remind your opponent of their tasks - this will cause them to rely on your reminders instead of taking own responsibility for their own behaviour.
6. Perform a follow-up evaluation: Sometimes, you may find that there are weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions, but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on all changes to the solution - just as you have to agree on the original solution.

Test to perform these steps, but remember that your best method for effective conflict resolution is active listening, open and direct statements, trust and respect for each other's needs, openness to new facts and patience.

Note: By "active listening" is meant techniques where you check that you have understood what other people mean by rephrasing their views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and asking check questions when needed.

excert from: www.web4health.info/en/answers/life-conflict-solving.htm